Review: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

“An apex predator has been genetically created with every molecule of its DNA focused on hunting. However, three people stumble into the room it’s in, and it can’t tell where they are because they’re hiding behind a piece of wood”

Sing the following to the melody of the Jurassic Park theme: dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, very duuuummmm dumb, very dumb dumb dumb, very dumb dumb dumb…

Allow me to remind you of the first film. Cause that one was great!

What a stinker this film is. Whilst many seem quite happy with the resulting sequel to Jurassic World, what I found gracing the screen this time around was an exceptionally lazily written cheese feast, that was neither witty, fun, or interesting.

We open with the expected return to the derelict Jurassic World theme park. After a solid action opening, we are then reintroduced to the characters from the first film, as well as some new ones. As the scenes progress, you start to notice that the dialogue is very clunky, the interactions between characters feels forced, and the music applied is so melodramatic that the whole set up for the film starts to feel extremely cheesy. Just as the cheese has started to melt, we catch up with Chris Pratt, and oh look, he’s building the perfect wooden cabin in the perfect picturesque location, because….

Excuse me miss, my dialogue needs its medicine.

Naturally, Owen (Pratt) and Claire (Howard) have broken up since the previous film. Their interactions about this unseen breakup are laughably written and Bryce Dallas Howard looks unsure how to approach such a silly interaction. Pratt just smugly sits there are tries to use his usual acting style to push through the fat until he can run around holding clickers in front of Raptors.

We then meet our villain, played by Rafe Spall, who seems to be aware that his characters motivations and dialogue seem ripped out of a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1980s. He is soon joined by Toby Jones and the two of them engage in one of the most painful to watch sequence of villainous planning sessions that you’d expect it to all end in a big evil laughing session.

Woo Hoo, Woo is back... to do nothing but call back to the first.

The island sequence is adequate, although the addition of new character Franklin (played by Justice Smith) does nothing but annoy as he squeals his way through every scene, appearing to be taking inspiration from Temple of Doom’s Willie Scott, or Chris Tucker in the Fifth Element. The scene ends in fairly heartbreaking manner, as we witness the sad demise of one of the more friendly dinosaurs.

During the Island scene, we were introduced to Ted Levine’s character, and this gave me hope of better acting ahead. However, I did utter during a few scenes, ‘come on Ted Levine, you’re better than this!’ His character is like so many, a complete cardboard cut out, who despite being considered ‘highly skilled’ in his villainous career, he seems more focused on getting his bonus, than using his brain.

However, from here, the film leaves its Jurassic Park setting, and seems to be at times trying to be more like an Indiana Jones movie. At one stage, we get an auction held for the dinosaurs attended by so many cliché Bond villain types, that Dr Evil would not have looked out of place in the crowd making bids.

Yet again, we get a new ‘made up’ dinosaur, which isn’t very interesting. We also to continue to turn the Raptor into a pet. Allen Grant would be appalled.

The ending is very clunky, forcing its way to the 3rd movie set up conclusion it wants to create. By half way through the film, I’d checked out, as for every good moment that occurred, lazy writing would follow it and ruin its effect. The film tries to bring up a number of ethical issues and dig below the surface, but you can't really do that when you're not willing to do any character development. In the set of Jurassic films, I’d probably rank this with number 3.

The five bearded questions:

1. Was it worth a cinema trip? No, despite the dinosaurs.

2. Would I See It Again at the Cinema? No.

3. Would I buy it on Blu-ray: (only films I really love get bought these days) No. 4. Do I Recommend people see it? It seems many others like it, so go if you want. I don’t care.

5. Any cheese/ Disney style bullshit?: (such as jokes wedged in at serious moments, because fun!). Yes, and it was not well done.